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Fri 23 Jumada Al Akhira 1445AH 5-1-2024AD at 8:04 am #90832
MEN NEED TO GIVE MORE THAN SEX IN THEIR MARRIAGE.. PART 1
Written by:
Abdul-Ganiyy Raji
NAṢFAT National Da’wah Officer/National Mission Board SecretaryDid you read my two previous write-ups on the topic above? The two write-ups titled: “CONTRIBUTE MORE THAN SEX TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK” focused on women and how they can save or destroy their marriages. Go and read the two write-ups if you haven’t read them.
This particular episode and its part 2 which will come after it soon will be concentrated on men and how they can also contribute to the success of their marriage.
Many men will blame their wives for every problem that happens in their marriage. You can hardly hear most men say things like: “My wife is innocent, I am the guilty one” “My wife is good, I think I am the one who is not making this wedding work” “I am lucky to have this woman” “I need to be a bit more patient, more respectful and more understanding towards my wife”.
Most men hardly say things such as the expressions above. They want to blame their wives every time. You will hear something like: “My wife is the problem” “My wife is frustrating me” ” My wife is bad” “My wife is not supporting me” “My wife is no longer beautiful” “My wife is a terrible woman” “I need to divorce this woman as soon as possible” “I need to get a second wife because my wife is not the right woman for me” “I can no longer cope with this woman” “How did I marry this woman?” “I made a mistake marrying this woman” “This woman is my problem” “This woman is not contributing anything in this marriage” “My wife is blocking my progress”.
These are some of the expressions that some men use to describe their wives. They never have something positive to say about their wives. Some men live with their wives like they live with their worst enemies. No husband-wife bonding. No love. No compassion. No respect. No husband-wife discussion. Non-husband-wife moment. It is always a case of “Well, even if I do not love her any more and I cannot divorce her, let me just cope with her and manage her”. How can a man say he is only coping with a woman whom he claimed to love on his wedding day?.
Before you conclude that your wife is bad, have you assessed yourself? Have you also been a good husband to her? What value have you added to her since she moved into your house? Is her life now better than before she became your wife? Is she proud to call you her husband? Are her parents happy that they gave her to you? How much love and care have you shown her? How much have you helped her grow in her understanding of Islam? What have you done to bring her closer to Allah? Is she now a better Muslimah than before she came to your house? Have you given her a reason to see you as a good husband? Respect, they say begets respect? Have you been respecting your wife? Or do you think respect is a one-way road? Are you saying your wife does not respect you? How can she respect you when you disrespect her in front of your children, siblings, neighbours, friends and everyone else? How can she respect you when you have made her lose her self-respect and self-esteem? How can she respect you when each time there is a minor mistake from her, you describe her with words as terrible as “stupid woman” “imbecile” “illiterate” “village woman” or “fool”? How can she respect and love you when each time there is a misunderstanding between you, you remind her that she comes from a poor home, or that you paid for her tertiary education, or that you set up a business for her mum or that you are the one who took her and her family out of poverty through her marriage to you? How can she respect you when even your “side chics” humiliate your wife in your presence?
If your wife does not feel comfortable wherever you are around, please check yourself. If your wife feels happier and livelier when you are away than when you are around, please do a self-assessment. Truly, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. But, wives shouldn’t be scared to talk to their husbands. Wives shouldn’t live like slaves in their husband’s house. Wives are human beings who deserve respect from their husbands and everyone around them. If you the husband disrespect your wife, whom do you think will respect her?
How often do you travel without telling your wife? How often do you sleep over without informing your wife? Would you be happy if your wife travels without telling you? Would you accept that your wife should sleep over at her female friend’s house or her parents’ house without your permission Are you starving your wife because she is bad? Would you want your daughter or sister to be treated the way you are treating your wife?
Some women are going through mental health problems today because their husbands are making their lives a hell. If you make your wife suffer so much undeserved pain that she cannot sleep or eat for days and you are happy, then you should check your conscience.
With every pain you make your wife go through, you will still come back to have sex with her. Is sex the only thing you can contribute in your marriage? Men are meant only for sex.
While some men only go to their wives when they need sex, other men deny their wives sex for no just reason. It is simply because they have alternative ways of meeting their sexual needs. Remember, if you deprive your wife of sex without a valid reason, you will also be liable before Allah if she goes out to commit Zinā (i.e. adultery).
I will stop here for now. The second part of this episode will also focus on men vis-a-vis family finances, effective communication in marriage, and such complaints like “My wife is no longer attractive” “My wife is ugly” “My wife does not wear attractive clothes” “My wife is aging, I do not find her attractive any longer”, etc.
Watch out for the second part of this episode. It will be out soon. In Shā Allah.
With everything you have read so far, what are you still waiting for? Go to your wife now and improve your relationship with her.
Abdul-Ganiyy Raji
NAṢFAT National Da’wah Officer/National Mission Board Secretary
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