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March 2, 2024 at 9:42 am #91114
COPING WITH POLYGYNY BY AKANDE AYINDE MUTIU (aka ABU HASSAN)
All praises and adorations is due to Almighty Allah who has blessed us with Islam.A religion that is perfect in all ramifications. Allah says in Q5:3 “This day I have perfected your religion and I have chosen for you Islam as your religion”.
Polygyny simply means the state or practice of having several wives at the same time or plurality of wives .Islam limits the number of wives to four at a time.
Allah says in Q4:3″And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls,then marry(other) women of your choice,two or three or four;but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them),then only one or (the slaves)that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.
Allah has never made it mandatory for us to practice polygyny but it is optional.Polygyny is the most hated system of marriage in our society today. Adultery has been rampant amongst married men and women.
Some sisters prefer to remain single throughout their life time than to be 2nd,3rd or 4th wife due to their negative experience from their fathers. The fact that some people abuse it doesn’t make it Haram (unlawful). Polygyny is more complex than monogamy system of marriage.
Polygyny cannot succeed without the co-operation and understanding of the parties involved.
HUSBAND
The husband is the head and the pillar of the home.He must be disciplined, caring, hardworking and merciful.A man who wants to practice polygyny must be spiritually, mentally, economically and sexually sound. He must be a good administrator and make use of his sense of reasoning judiciously.A man who cannot control his first wife should never think of going into polygyny.The second wife will live like a slave, she will regret being a second wife.
How can a man who is not financially stable and depend on his wife go for 2nd wife? Is that not suicide?
A man who is not sexually active and who finds it difficult to satisfy his wife should not think of polygyny. Se Kan daku (do one round and faint for hours). Why do you put yourself in an unnecessary problem?
A man who is not diplomatic in his approach and who cannot keep secret can never succeed in polygyny.He will never be just amongst his wives.
Those men who have lived for close to 20 years of marriage don’t find it easy in polygyny because they will be scared of the first wife. Prophet Muhammad (S. A.W)) said a man who is not just among his wives will be raised up on the day of judgment paralysed.
A man must be caring to all his wives especially a young lady who marry you due to her conviction that Islam permits polygyny.
Dear FIRST WIFE
The first wife must fear Allah and she must not have the notion that the 2nd wife is husband snatcher or she is coming to destabilize your family. Remember the Hadith of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) which says: “None of you is a believer until you love for your brother what you love for yourself”.Being a 2nd wife is not a curse as some people believe.You can also find yourself in such situation, so take it easy my sister! Your daughter or sister can also be 2nd,3rd or 4th wife in another family.
Allah has written the destiny of all mankind and the slate has been dried. Who tells you that you cannot be 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife before you die, please fear Allah. Don’t let your 2nd wife regret marrying your husband.Be a good conscious Muslimah.
This world doesn’t worth fighting for, it is a temporary abode. Why can’t you value hereafter which is everlasting and work towards getting admission into paradise.
I don’t want to narrate any story but I have heard and seen the first wife who maltreats the 2nd wife and later regretted her actions before she died. An Adage says in Yoruba:
“Agba ti orofo ika, Omo a je nibe”.
Translation: The old man who prepared bad vegetables,his children will eat from it.
Imagine a woman who has more than four children for her husband saying she will prefer to be a widow than to allow her husband marry another wife. What is she insinuating?
She will kill her husband if he attempts to marry another wife.
Falina’usu billahi!Dear SECOND WIFE
The second wife must come into the family with clean and sincere mind.Don’t come to dominate.If your husband tells you the weakness of the first wife, don’t make jest of her,you also have your weaknesses.Nobody is perfect except Almighty Allah.
My sister! You should accept destiny either good or bad.This is one of the articles of faith which a muslim must believe.You cannot outsmart your destiny.If Allah has destined that you will be second,third or fourth wife there is nothing you can do.
I Know of a Muslim lady who married a Christian due to the fear of polygyny, but today her husband has Married three wives.Allahu Akbar!.
If you want to succeed in your marriage,you should learn to ignore insult and embarrassment and exercise patience.You should know that no marriage is perfect either monogamy or polygyny.
Take your co-wife as your sister and relate with her with good behavior and fear of Allah.Don’t be fetish and don’t run when nothing is chasing you.Take her children as your children and avoid the comments of the third party.
Make your marriage work by good relationship with your husband, your co-wife, the relatives of your husband and your neighbors. Allah uses good attitude to describe prophet Muhammad (S A.W) in the Holy Quran 68:4. “And verily,you(Muhammad) is the best in character.
My sister! beautify yourself with good attitude,you will definitely enjoy your marriage.It is good to be beautiful but beauty without good morals is null and void.There is an adage in Yoruba land “Obirin sowanu oni ohun olori oko”
Translation: A woman loses good attitude and she claims she doesn’t have luck of good husband.If your first wife allow you share a sit with her, don’t push her down, fear Allah.
THE RELATIVES OF THE HUSBAND
The relatives of the husband who dislikes polygyny can also create problem and crisis in polygynous homes.It is the duty of the husband to shield these people from interfering into his family affairs.They are Gboromideleru “Gossipers”.However,the relatives of the first wife and other wives must also be cautioned. I am not saying you should not relate with them but don’t allow them to destabilize your family.
It is your decision to practice polygyny which is Sunnah and nobody has any right to criticize you.It is far better than zina(adultery) which is rampant in our society today.
CONCLUSION
The polygyny we admire is the one that sees her co-wife as her best friend.An evil free co-wife. A polygyny in which the husband will be just among his wives.As good as polygyny is, if you don’t practice it with the fear of Allah you will regret in this world and the hereafter.May Allah bless our families 🙏 aamin.
Wa salamualeakum waramotullah wabarakatuh.
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