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February 8, 2024 at 12:58 pm #90899
Realities of being subsequent wife (2nd, 3rd or 4th)
The institution of Polygny is an act of worship for both man and woman for whoever that has the ability likewise monogamy.
Historically, both polygyny and monogamy are all Sunnah of Prophet Muḥammad (s.a.w) which he practiced both in his life time, so anyone you’re going for is also Sunnah if truly you have deep understanding of the practice of prophet (s.a.w).
As you’re planning to be a subsequent wife (2nd, 3rd or 4th) let’s discuss some realities therein which you have to know as a Muslimah who wishes to meet her Lord in a good state on the day of judgement because where you’re going to or you’re already in requires special understanding and counselling.
The institution requires patience, diplomacy and prayers.
These are my pieces of advice as you’re about going into it or you’re there already
1- Have good intention of doing it for the sake of Allāh, it would make you have peace of mind. Ignore the Imperfections of your husband and co-wife (wives) with their children because they’re not angels and you too are not perfect. You may have to sacrifice many things just for your marriage to work.
2- Do not have it in mind to frustrate or intimidate your co-wife rather be nice to her and see her as your fellow sister in Islām, yet be mindful of whatever you say or do in her presence because naturally she ought to be jealous and hurt as you’re coming in and jealousness is real in polygny as being displayed by the Mother of the believers, the beloved wife of prophet Muḥammad (s.a.w), (‘Ā’ishah bint Abibakr, R.A) so your co-wife’s Imān and Taqwa can never be up to that of our mother of the believers let alone of superceding it. Be careful.
3- Whenever you’re are being treated well by your husband and he does otherwise (ill-treatment) to your co-wives, don’t be happy about it, please call his attention or call him into order to fear Allāh and be just among his wives because what goes around comes around.
If you truly you love your husband respectfully remind him of the punishment that would be given to those who are unjust among their wives. Do not backbite, curse and spy about your co-wife’s affairs from your husband or others.4- Don’t have it in mind that your husband married you because he doesn’t love his first wife anymore. Sometimes, he may marry you because of his sexual gratification, peer pressure, societal status etc which he may not really have cogent reason for doing such rather than to have taste of another woman which he does due to infatuation and lust, once he has achieved the sexual enjoyment the love may start fading which can lead to divorce. Do your Istikhārah and Istishārah properly before going into it.
5- Due to the closeness between your husband and the first wife, there is tendency for both to understand each other than you, study your husband carefully and do what makes him happy as far it doesn’t contradict Islām. Your husband might get attached to his first wife because of the years spent with each other, he may make her attitude your yardstick which means that anything she does may be right, when you do it, it may be be wrong to him due to the closeness between him and his first wife, try to be patient, gradually things will change well.
6- At the beginning, you need to be extra ordinary patient till things are balanced and normalized.
The institution requires you to be more patient if truly you want your children to be the blessed ones. You may likely face some challenges from your co-wife(ves) and your husband family may see you as a home breaker, BE PATIENT. Sometimes, you have to ignore your rights for peace to reign.7- Expect less after Nikāh, because sometimes your husband may not pamper you that much like he use to do when he was about marrying you, he may do so just to make his first wife happy and feel less hurt which may often makes you feel jealous and trouble the home and this can make it easier for him to divorce you because he has option of being a husband to your co-wife. Be patient.
8- Some first wives are bankrolling their husbands in their financial affairs before your arrival which may make you think he’s a rich man, as soon as your husband have done Nikāḥ with you she might stop supporting him which can make him not to have enough sometimes, try to understand that and be patient with him at the end everything would be fine and good.
9- Be good and nice to your co-wife(ves) children because no one knows the future, your goodness towards them may soften the heart of their mother and make your husband love you more because your husband children are also your children. Those children may also assist you and your children in the nearest future due to your good acts towards them.
10- My dear sisters, be prayerful, pray for your husband, children, co-wife(ves) with their children and others as well. Always pray to Allāh to make your home a peaceful and a blessed one and be a good wife to your husband and his family (including your co-wife(ves) by supporting them either financially, Islamically, morally or psychologically. Most times, human being are sensitive in nature your attitude towards them would surely wins their hearts towards you.
May Allāh bless you with a peaceful and harmonious marriage.
*Adetutu Musa Arikeusola*
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