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Thu 8 Jumada Al Akhira 1445AH 21-12-2023AD at 10:02 pm #90700
I get questions from newly married brothers about not being entirely satisfied with their wives, that they are not exactly what they envisioned as far as the physical features and such. Of course when you are young, you are eager and have certain desires and fantasies.
A few things to keep in mind, most importantly Allāh’s Statement in Noble Qur’ān 4:19 – The Women.
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰ أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا
“And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allāh makes therein much good.”
And no less important is the advice of the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ, whose been granted the ability to say so much while saying so little.
لاَ يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً إِنْ كَرِهَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَرَ
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.”
[Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1468b]
The above is more than enough to ponder upon and I am sure each one of us can relate the Divine Texts to his own unique experience. So I will share with you my take on this.
1. Yes, we all have this ideal woman in our minds. Some want light skinned, light hair, and colour-eyed women. Some want certain body types. But will it break the marriage if you don’t get exactly what you are looking for? People get old and their good looks will fade.
2. The sexual aspect, while important, forms one part of an entire basket of the marriage. The enjoyment lasts moments, the majority of the time marriage is about compatibility, respect, and responsibility. As you mature, you realize this more and more.
3. A man will most likely never be entirely satisfied with his wife, and sometimes the reason for that is the lack of lowering the gaze from other women. Don’t allow your eyes to get loose, that is a recipe for disaster. And if it occurs, the Messenger ﷺ already gave us advice on what to do in that situation:
إِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ تُقْبِلُ فِي صُورَةِ شَيْطَانٍ وَتُدْبِرُ فِي صُورَةِ شَيْطَانٍ فَإِذَا أَبْصَرَ أَحَدُكُمُ امْرَأَةً فَلْيَأْتِ أَهْلَهُ فَإِنَّ ذَلِكَ يَرُدُّ مَا فِي نَفْسِهِ
“The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart.”
[Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1403a]
4. Lastly, be grateful to Allāh if you are married, especially if your wife is upright and reminds you to do the right things. There are many single Muslims out there who wish they were married.
Say this Du‘ā’ often:
وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” [Noble Qur’ān 25:74 – The Criterion]
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