Every wife on social media seem to be a saint. They are all wonderful wives, and many who bring their marital problems to the public are always victims. They are nice dutiful wives who can never hurt a fly, who are just unfortunate to have monstrous husbands.
Why don’t our subconscious ever consider that actions are (usually) reactions to another action. Let me even start from the most despicable – a man who beats his wife. This we all condemn in the strongest of terms. But most times we get so engrossed in condemning such husbands that we forget to consider that the mouth of some women are sharper than samurai swords, and what comes out of their mouth can cut the heart into pieces. Knowing that men have different tempraments and ability to control themselves when angry, some women invite the battery upon themselves. I know we are all hooked up on a woman not deserving to be beaten, heck I have a daughter and sisters I can not tolerate a man ever laying his hands on, but we are not doing justice to the matter if we don’t equally address the menace of women.
There are women who deliberately provoke their husbands to hit them just to buy public sympathy, especially for those men who are not known to be serial beaters. If you have never witnessed a scenario where a wife deliberately provoked her husband you can’t understand how this works. I have seen an argument where when things got heated the wife said “if your whore of a mother had raised you properly, you will have learnt how to treat a woman”.
Subhaanallāh!
Let me tell you the blunt truth, while some men can walk away from such an utterance, others lack the capacity to restrain themselves from reacting to such. Even among those who will walk away without hitting you, which I believe I will be one of,
Some will never be able to have anything to do with you ever afterwards! So when you come for such a reconciliation, the only thing you will see is the effect of the man’s inability to control his rage and not what prompted it. Both the battery and whatever prompted it must be addressed unless we aren’t serious about a lasting reconciliation.
Some truths are too bitter to be discussed in public because we prefer superficial cosmetic marital solutions that are sweet to the ears. “Women are fragile vessels that deserve to be pampered”, yes we know that but please add ‘some’ to that because the toxicity in some women is sufficient to cause genocide of men. Hiding all of them under an umbrella of sweet females who can’t hurt a fly is a disservice to truth.
Even that your neighbour’s wife whom you know is making life a living hell for her husband may also be on facebook forming victim and sweet wife. People on social media are like an assembly of lizards whom you can’t tell which of them have a running stomach. That’s why I nearly always sit on the fence when I read of a woman reporting her marital woes online. We have heard of your husband’s transgressions, how do we get to know yours? Some women who have come to me with their marital problems have been sincere enough to tell me their own transgressions and it has helped immensely in charting a feasible course of action towards rectification. But this is very unusual. It is typical for humans to hide their faults and project those of others.
We can’t fix marital problems with a biased mindset that one gender is always the saint while the other is always the aggressor. Such an approach may be sweet for making posts and amassing followers online, but it is unrealistic and solves nothing. In fact it may embolden women to be even more toxic in marriage because they know people will readily believe their side of the story and not the man’s. Just look at Johnny Depp’s ordeal. His oppressive wife blatantly told him that “no one will believe you”. That is unfortunately the state of many men!
May Allāh grant us understanding spouses.
A. Haroun
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